Finally Captured The Notorious Home Invader: A Christmas Satire

My old friend Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau from Interpol sent me a text message that the notorious home invader has been captured in the USA.  Among his many crimes besides home invasion which he made into an art form, he is responsible for the global inflationary prices on dairy and baked goods.

Animal rights groups have been pestering authorities for years about this criminal use of animals in his annual heists and the animals’ poor diet.  One of the coldest nights of the year and the animals hitched to his sleigh were not protected from the harsh elements.

Interpol believes there has been collusion with children’s product makers since he leaves some sort of toy behind after he leaves.  What he does not leave behind is a hefty appetite since children seem to feel some sort of connection to this home invader and leave him food, plenty of food.

Just in.  The home invader code-named Nick is in federal custody at the Brooklyn-Battery Tunnel Ventilator Building.

Federal Agent Jack Bauer is on his way to interrogate the suspect.  Contrary to the Fox Network, Day 8 never happened.  They have a habit of distorting the facts. It was a coma-induced dream as Mr. Bauer recovered from the biological weapon that he was exposed to in Day 7.

Jack Bauer, President Taylor and Team Members

Due to national security President Taylor created a special taskforce to operate directly under her supervision after Day 7.  Jack Bauer agreed to head this elite unit. No, it was not based in Hawaii like another 2010 taskforce which was a faded comparison to the original one of the 60’ and 70s.  Jack’s team is located in the White House-bunker K & J.

I understand that exclusive footage of the “interview” will be available via the link below.  Meanwhile, we were given this still photo of the home invader as he was held in custody in a small Mid-western town awaiting transport to the Brooklyn facility.  Some cartoonish features have been added for national security.

Old Nick Behind Bars

It may surprise many parents to know that the old man in the red suit is the notorious home invader. Unfortunately, life on this planet traversing the cosmos has many strange twists and turns.  What appears to be harmless usually isn’t.

There is one certainty now.  The myth and legend of Nick is real, as the video will show.

Now is the time for due diligence.  To protect your home on the night of December 24 all precautions are to be taken.  The President does not believe Nick’s followers will take his capture without launching an all-night assault on the homes of those on the Nice List.  Many “good” citizens are on the Nice List.  Pray that you are one of them.

So on the night of December 24 when these illegal aliens come to town who are ya gonna to call when they bring the smackdown on you?  Hopefully, you will have something cooking which will rock their plans back to the North Pole.

This just in: Nick’s so called reindeers have been unmasked by military experts at Area 51.  The experts have determined that Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen are actual Martians which landed on earth in 1823.  This intel was provided by Rudolph who became a naturalized citizen in 1939. Some question Rudolph’s motives since he was rejected by the Martian Eight. Like the old fable goes—a reindeer scorned is one ticked-off creature.

My old friend General Sam Lane is leading an expeditionary force to the North Pole to seize Nick’s workshop.  He expects heavy resistance from the illegal aliens who work for Old Nick.  Off the record he told me that he was going to check out the Fortress of Solitude since Superman seemed to have been friendly with these Martians and a bit too friendly with his daughter, Lois.

As I end this satirized version, my hope for you and your family is that you live Christmas well.  May you not be found on the Naughty List.


G. D. Williams       © 2011

Jack Bauer and Santa Claus


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